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Nicolas Cage: “I opened my eyes, and there was a naked man wearing my leather jacket eating a fudgsicle in front of my bed.”

This is how Nicolas Cage described his role in the home invasion movie Trespass. I mean. Oh fuck this is just so golden.

Nicolas Cage: “I know it sounds funny, but it was horrifying.”

Nick Cage. Thank you for managing to sum up every dumb thing I have inappropriately blurted out. And also a lot of other things.

Okay this might not be as funny as I think it is, but Nicolas Cage has special meaning to me. He’s a fucking clown. Like. The worst kind of clown. Buying like 11 different really expensive homes, and an 11 million dollar castle. And then needing to sell all of it at rockbottom prices because he went bankrupt as hell. How would I quantify “bankrupt as hell”? Well that’s a fucking ridiculous question. Bankrupt doesn’t need to be quantified, since it is not the describing word. Actually, it’s hell that needs to be quantified. Alone. Without Bankrupt. Moron.

And for the record, I would classify it as at least a metric Hitler fuckton.

And while bankrupt he continues to do ridiculous things. Including out bidding Leonardo Dicaprio for a motherfucking dinosaur skull. YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A NICE HOUSE TO PUT THAT THING IN NICK. WHAT DID YOU NEED THAT SKULL FOR?

And also he has a fleet of yachts, and a squadron of rolls royce’s. There’s just a point where I don’t understand. Obviously he’s flaunting his wealth, but LOL NO. BECAUSE HE HAS NO WEALTH TO BE FLAUNTING. THAT’S WHY HE HAS TO DO EVERY MOVIE THEY THROW AT HIM. BECAUSE HE NEEDS THE DOLLAS.

You think he WANTED to be in Sorcerer’s Apprentice? No. You think he’s HAPPY about Ghost Rider 2!!!!? No. DO YOU THINK, HE’S MOTHERFUCKING PSYCHED BIZNASTY, TO BE IN NATIONAL TREASURE 3?????? NO NO NO NO NO.

Like okay, its totally his fault he’s bankrupt, but don’t think he’s choosing to be in Ghost Rider 2. He may have bought an 11 million dollar castle, but he’s not that dumb.

But anyway just fucking imagine waking up and seeing some guy at the foot of your bed wearing an article of your clothing, eating fucking ice cream. Oh man.

OH ~?/FUCK/?~

Also that’s how I put emphasis on really important things now.

Because bold and italicized just…

It’s not enough.

To simplify it greatly, there’s someone who had a different opinion than me about the ending of Mass Effect 3.

LOL HEY GUYS THERE MIGHT BE SPOILERS IN THIS POST FOR MASS EFFECT 3. DON’T READ THIS IF YOU DON’T WANT THINGS RUINED FOR YOU. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. TYPING LOL IS SO FUN. I FIND IT REALLY OBNOXIOUS USUALLY, BUT USING IT IN SITUATIONS LIKE “LOL NO” IS SO FUN AND MAN IT GIVES ME THIS ULTIMATE SENSE OF SATISFACTION. WHY DID I TYPE THIS WHOLE THING WHILE HOLDING SHIFT INSTEAD OF USING CAPSLOCK? OH YEAH, BECAUSE I LITERALLY NEVER USE CAPSLOCK EVEN WHEN IT WOULD MAKE SO MUCH SENSE.

Anyway guys. He really liked the ending. I hated it. I felt like a game that taught you, that you could make it out of any situation with the right amount of determination, preparation, and skill, had no right to shove you into three/four endings where you either die, or you die, or you die, or you’re a charred corpse gasping for air. Here’s this game that teaches you that you can make it through anything, only to kind of shove it all back in your face. This game that teaches you the importance of love, and relationships, only to tell you that in the end, none of it mattered.

Hi okay so maybe you feel like making fun of me for caring this much about a videogame’s plot. And maybe you feel like calling me a nerd for thinking a game can teach you about love, and respect, and perseverance. Videogames, are fucking art. If books are art, and movies are art, and fucking things that make you feel emotions are art, than video games are art too. And if you disagree, you can get the fuck out of here. Because you’re wrong. Videogames give you an interactive experience, and so much time and thought wind up getting put into them to ensure that gamers have a good experience, and take something away from the game for themselves. And you have a game trilogy like Mass Effect, where you spent three games building up a relationship with a guy named Garrus, only to have this sense that it might be coming to an end before the final mission in ME3. In ME1, you survived a suicide mission. In ME2, you survived another suicide mission (unless you were a fucking idiot and died). In ME3, you’re about to plunge into another suicide mission, but this time, you’re given this feeling like…like maybe you’re actually not going to make it this time. And you’re having one final talk with your best bro Garrus and he says to you: “Shepard…if for some reason, neither of us make it out of here alive, and end up somewhere in the clouds……meet me at the bar.” Ladies and gentlemen. It was 4:00 AM, I was probably a little sleep deprived, but at this point, I had lost all control over my emotions. I was sitting there, sobbing my eyes out at this last piece of dialogue between two characters that I had come to know and love as the trilogy went on. It was just so powerful, so moving. I couldn’t help myself. If something that can make you feel what I did…if something like that isn’t art, then I don’t want to know what it takes to be classified as art. The Mass Effect games were masterpieces in their own right, and they were beautiful fucking pieces of art.

Holy shit. Moving on. On Sam’s tumblr-

Actually no. I’m making a new post since I don’t want the dialogue to get lost in this massive rant that you guys probably won’t want to read.

So I watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It’s pretty awesome, even if the acting in the beginning of the first season was atrocious, and the fact that they’re supposed to be 16/17 is totally insane. Anyways, I’ve been considering posting some Buffy quotes for a while, and I finally found two that are awesome and don’t spoil anything! Enjoy motherfuckers.

Cordelia: “So does looking at guns really make girls want to have sex? That’s kind of scary.”

Xander: “Yeah, I guess.”

Cordelia: “Well, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?”

Xander: ”I’m 17. Looking at linoleum makes me want to have sex.”

And now this other one.

Oz: “So do you guys steal weapons from the army a lot?”

Willow: “Well we don’t have cable, so we have to make our own fun.”

Alright that was pretty sweet. It also took no effort on my part and I’m sorry for being such an awesome lazy asshole. I’ll find something golden to post here eventually. I’m sure of it.

DON’T WORRY GUYS, I KNOW THIS MATTERS TO YOU SO VERY MUCH.